Two + One

Adelyn is the only one I need. As naive as it may sound at 24 years old, I think I'm set.

This of course doesn't take into account the fact that, you know, shit happens. Been there, know that firsthand. And this doesn't take into account the fact that people are ever evolving, and that you can't pick and choose your life story at 24 years old.

But. BUT. I have this feeling, deep down in my gut, that me plus Jason plus Adelyn is exactly what my life needed and is exactly the plan God or Yahweh or fate or whatever master designer designed.

This could be completely different if I had married the guy who wanted five kids. Jason, though, feels the same way I do.

After two plus decades of battling a chronic illness, I never thought I'd have a picture perfect pregnancy. I pretty much did. As someone who never spent much time envisioning herself as a mother, I never thought that, one day, I'd have this amazing, always-life-inspiring joy to whom I gave life. And as someone who always tried to envision her future with the utmost precision, planning and plotting and dreaming crazy dreams for herself and her career, I never imagined the sort of upheaval that a new life brings along with it.

It's been almost a year since Adelyn was born. Almost two (!!) since I first found out about her existence. And now that our lives have really started to take shape and I'm starting to be able to see the big picture, I just can't imagine starting again. The pregnancy, the health worries, the waiting, the anxiety, the newborn phase, the figuring out how to adapt your career, the everything.

Why does this make me feel like a bad mother? It does. I can't shake it. Popular opinion always says that babies need siblings. Only children are spoiled, unadjusted, look at the world with a self-centric view. I don't want that for Adelyn. But is that reason enough to do it all again for her sake, even though her selfish mother doesn't really feel like it?

Now, just writing this, I'm starting to second guess myself. I'm feeling the urge to fill this post with disclaimers (unless I change my mind; don't hold me accountable for my opinion at 24; this could all change; never say never). Only those disclaimers aren't coming from my gut, my core, they're coming from the part of me that wants to sound good, selfless, motherly.

And then, of course, there's always this, this same sentiment that I'm sure crosses the mind of every first-time parent. How, oh how, could I ever love something else like I do Adelyn? It's inconceivable.

But just like it did two Junes ago when my life turned upside down--you cannot foresee whatever it is that is supposed to happen. You are powerless against it, no matter how carefully planned your life.