Working.

For the first few months that I blogged I did so as a stay at home mom, I guess. Not really a SAHM--as all the internet folk call it--by definitive choice, just by circumstance. I quit a job where I worked full-time overnight when I was eight months pregnant, telling everyone I wasn't sure if I would come back but knowing good and well that I wouldn't. How can you work a job like that with a baby? With children at all? There was only one other woman with a child who worked there, and she worked a lot more than I did, and her husband was a stay-at-home-dad. Problem solved.

This crux of working, being a mother, being yourself, being both--it's hard stuff. There's no better way to put it. When I graduated and had all of these grandiose plans floating around in my head--Pulitzer prize, immediate job at a daily paper--factoring in a baby was nowhere on my radar. It didn't even have a fleeting spot in my universe. And even back then the decision felt complicated. (Ha!)

I've been at the job I have now since July. So, five months. Almost six. I like it. Love it, actually. It's rewarding, and fun. It's flexible. It allows me to remain a mother most of the time, a family literacy program coordinator for a non-profit second. I work from home two days a week, in an office the other three with extremely flexible hours. Addy goes to a babysitter who is also a family friend that genuinely loves her.

It's great. And I have a contract to do this job for a year (I'm an AmeriCorps Vista--essentially the domestic version of the Peace Corps that aims to fight poverty). The thing is--this job pays next to nothing. And that's ok, right now, because the trade off of still being the one who is with Adelyn the most is worth the monetary sacrifice. I can't imagine another job--minimum wage or six figures--that would be so flexible, that would have a boss and co-workers who don't blink an eye when I leave an hour early to go pick up Addy and work from home. (Because, honestly, I often get more work done at home during Addy's naps than I do any other time.)

I never liked staying at home. I'm not miss Worker Bee, I never have been, but I have always been obsessed with feeling accomplished. Being a stay at home mom involves plenty of accomplishment, I know, but I was always aching to put some makeup and clothes on and go somewhere. Even now when I'm dreading finding a way to get myself ready and to keep Adelyn entertained, wishing out loud that I could just work from home all week, I secretly know I want to struggle to put together an outfit, to put myself together and walk out the door. There's just something rewarding in it, in getting yourself together, that I need. Working from home two days a week is the perfect balance.

For now. But what about next year? These kinds of questions drive you up a wall as a mother. I know it's not just me--it's at the center of nearly every conversation I have with other mom friends.

It's a tricky subject, working versus staying at home. What's best for the baby? For the mother? The family? It's a question that divides women, sends them grabbing for their battle gear and arming themselves for a fight. We all think we know what's best for us, our babies, our families--and a lot of us think we know what's best for the rest, as well.

I'm just going to say right here and now that I do not. I don't know. I don't know that I ever will. I know that after this year is up I desperately want to find a job that pays, preferably one that pays me to be a writer or a journalist--what I've always intended to do--but nearly all of those jobs will require a commute and putting Adelyn in full-time daycare. And that's a costly endeavor--both emotionally, for me, and economically. Most daycares cost more than I make right now. I know that when Adelyn starts school, I want to have been doing something for the past four years. I can't always show off the articles I wrote for my college newspaper as credentials.

The thing is, most employers just aren't cool with a mother being a mother first.

I'm working from home today. Adelyn has been napping for about an hour. In that hour, I've confirmed, paid for, and organized the volunteer delivery for four meals to be served at family literacy programming. I've researched half a dozen grants. I've written a press release. I've started my laundry, done the dishes and written this blog. Working from home some of the time works for me--and this job--right now. Wouldn't it be nice if they all allowed us this flexibility?