The WHERE ARE YOU GOING?? Face.

Yesterday morning when I dropped Adelyn off at her babysitter's, she clung to my shoulders and laid her head on my chest and cried, cried, cried. I have never seen her do this before. I read a long time ago that I should expect separation anxiety to kick in about now, and that this demonstration of powerful attachment was a good thing, that it meant that she trusted you, knew she needed you, recognized you as the thing with which she is able to survive.

So when week after week passed and I dropped Adelyn off with grandparents or babysitters and she never let any discontentment--not even a second of clinginess--I felt, of course, a pang of worry over how I'm doing as a mother. (What doesn't inspire that question in a new mother, really? Everything and anything.)

But yesterday morning, though. Yeah. There it was, finally. She did not want me to leave.

This made it kinda hard to go to work, see. Because to open the door, walk out of the babysitter's, get into my car and go wherever I needed to go that day now meant that I'd be doing it while Adelyn watched me, crying, looking at me like all she wants to do in the world is dig her head into my chest. When I dropped her off before yesterday, she'd usually just dealwith it while I kissed her cheek over and over and then happily crawled off to play with her babysitter's one and a half year old daughter. She's barely walking and already she'd mastered the whole "Um, ok, mom, bye... bye!" thing I so remembering mastering as a teenager.

And the thing is, I'm not the kind of mother who needs to be with my baby all of the time. I enjoy--um, need--some motherless time to keep me going. Both sets of grandparents take their turns watching her so Jason and I can do our own thing every now and then. Jason watches her so I can go out with my friends. I, in turn, do the same for him. We've struck a good balance, I think.

It's just one of the essential parts of parenting, dealing with this stuff. I love my job, and I love even more its flexible schedule. I love my daughter above all else, and I love the rare day when it's just me and her, at home, all day, no separation anxiety required. But in order to feel fulfilled (for me, anyway--these decisions are so deeply personal, more so than pretty much anything else in the parenting world), I have to have another title besides "mom." As much as I like to say how much I'd love to find a job that would allow me to work full-time from home, I know I'd miss getting up and going. Somewhere.

Geez, though. That face--that WHERE ARE YOU GOING? face--it's enough to make you rethink everything you thought you knew about working and what you wanted to do with your life.