The Good and the Bad.
>> Monday, March 15, 2010
Yesterday was a rough day, the kind that had me running to BabyCenter every free moment to find solace in other women going through the same thing. Also the kind that had me crying over stressful wedding plans like overpriced DJs and the seemingly endless task of gathering addresses. I thought the postpartum hormones would have run their course by now, right? Guess not.
After an uneventful morning, Adelyn spent the entire afternoon keeping me on my toes and making me question my ability as a mother. That's so easy to do, that last thing. Doubting your mothering instinct. And apparently I'm not alone--the forums on BabyCenter are filled with women claiming they aren't cut out for this.
New moms--me, especially, included--spend so much time wondering if we're doing this right, if maybe we were mistakenly chosen for this whole parenting thing. When she eats a full meal and falls peacefully asleep or her mouth starts to creep into the first traces of a smile I feel content, momentarily successful. But never have I thought to myself, "Man, I am good at this." It's either, "I'm failing completely," or "maybe it'll be okay."
What is a good mother anyway? The ones who are gifted with non-crying babies? The ones who forsake a shower to clean more bottles? The ones who put their children first always, no matter the cost to them? I just don't know anymore. The line between good and bad becomes so blurred with lack of sleep and the blaring sound of crying in your ear.
I can't decide if the test of a good mother comes from instinct or the other mothers around us. Because we love to judge. The same women on BabyCenter who come to the rescue of those doubting themselves chastise those who question letting their babies cry-it-out or who switched to formula to make their lives easier.
Does anyone out there genuinely think they are good at this? Does it come with time, or does the guessing game never stop?
And, ah, finally. I hear (yes, hear) Adelyn pooping. Which must (I pray, I hope) have been the source of her inconsolable discomfort.
8 comments:
Oh my. I'm right there with you. Just when I begin to think I might have him figured it out, everything goes haywire again. One day - no, minute - at a time, I guess.
The guessing never stops.
Though, I think, the wondering (if you're doing a good job) gets less and less as time goes by, because the older they get, the more you're able to really SEE what a good job you're doing by the people the become.
My experience has been that the guessing never stops also. Deep down there is a feeling that I am a good mother because I know that I nearly always put my children first, BUT sometimes what is best for my family as a whole is not what is best for one or both of my children. And that is just part of life... Knowing that I struggle to make the best decision is what makes me pretty confident that I am a good mom... that even if the decision is "wrong" the struggle to choose the "right" carries weight with me...
As a mother of only three weeks, I can't really speak to this. The first few weeks are such a guessing game!
I will say, however, that it seems to me that the happiest mothers are the ones who are ok with the mothers they are. You're the best possible mother for your beautiful baby girl. Your instincts are good, and you're doing a great job.
I'm assuming that eventually we'll grow more at ease with our roles as mothers. Until then, there's always Reese's peanut butter cups.
First-I heard recently that the hormones associated with pregnancy and delivery-last in a woman's body far longer than originally thought-and now women can expect to not be back hormonally where they were before baby until UP TO 2 FULL YEARS LATER!! I can look back on life and attest to this. One more reason to take it easy on yourself!
Second, Having your first baby is like raising them with blindfolds on. Not ever really being sure of yourself & ability. But when and if you move on to your second child-you'll realize you know so much already and it isn't as scary. Trusting your gut is key. And even if we get it wrong sometimes, it won't be the end of the world! One more reason to take it east on yourself!
And i do think also it does come with time, age, maturity. Back when i was 22 & 24 having babies, i thought i was perfect age. Im 29 with my last baby-and i feel like THIS time im equipped. THIS time-I can handle the newborn stuff. THIS time i will get it 100% right. Not many people will admit to mistaking their way through life. But I made it through! so that i feel i can pat myself on the back for it. And every other mom should too! THIS time I know what I'm doing and i will do the best i can! You will to :)
Warning: this is bound to be a long comment. I love reading your blog because you speak so clearly to the universal experience of being a mother. (Well...at least as it relates to my experience and the experience of most of my friends.)
I never finished the book, but I got some comfort from Bruno Bettleheim's _The Good Enough Parent_. (I'm not crazy about Freud, though, and Bruno likes the guy.) Bettleheim's belief is that trying to be the perfect mother isn't good for your kids. They don't learn that it's okay to screw up. They don't learn what the world is really like.
I may have already written this on here, but a VERY vivid memory from when my daughter was almost two is me sitting at the dining room table crying while she watched Barney.
I was strongly opposed to TV for little kids until I realized I had to have a break, so I'd let her watch Sesame Street or some other kid show in the morning, but I never turned the TV on for the rest of the day. One day was particularly trying. She was such a demanding child. It was 4:00. David wouldn't be home until 5:30. I was going crazy. So I turned on the TV, and sat at the table and cried.
"I'm not a good mother," I thought. Then I realized what I was REALLY thinking was, "I'm not a PERFECT mother." Wow. What a burden to put on myself and how arrogant of me to think I could achieve that. My tears stopped and I began to feel relieved. "I'm NOT a perfect mother, so I can give up trying."
Of course the questioning continues to this day (she's nine, her brother is five), and David and I joke that we need to start two funds for the kids: one for college and one for therapy. I often think, "I hope my children survive me."
BUT teachers love my strong-willed girl who can be SO exhausting at home. Her teacher this year said, "I hope my little girl turns out just like Olivia. I wish you and David would write down everything you did to raise her." HA!!! Here's the formula: Lose your temper and yell at your kids. Experiment with your anti-depressants and cry in front of your kids. Give in to their demands because you're just too exhausted to fight them anymore. Etc.
Of course there must be things we're doing that are helpful, but I really believe the universe is gracious and kids are more resilient than we imagine. (And mine are so forgiving. When I apologize for yelling at her, my daughter says, "It's okay mom; everyone gets upset.")
Also, just the fact that we're concerned about being good mothers means we must be on the right path.
I don't think you can define what a good mother is. I've been a mother for over four years now and I question my abilities every single day, and I wonder if I was meant to do this. It's definitely the hardest thing I will ever do in my life, be a parent.
It's natural for you to question and second guess yourself, especially when your daughter is so young - I remember when my Elise was a baby I thought that if I ever did anything wrong some evil person would come and take her away and smack me and say "YOU SUCK!" but of course, that doesn't happen.
Also, I totally agree with the last person who commented - just the fact that you are concerned about being a good parent means you are at the very least trying your absolute best - and that is definitely being a good mom.
i love how honest you are about this whole mother experience. it is never perfect and we all make mistakes. just try and dig deep inside and know you are doing the best you can do
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