33 weeks, 2 days.
>> Monday, December 28, 2009
I'm having one of those days when everything feels way too hard. At the moment I'm bored. All of Adelyn's clothes have been washed and put away. Dinner's already been cooked. The millionth novel has been read and the dogs have been walked.
This is what I've been afraid of. I'm letting myself think too much, and I'm getting swept up in a flurry of hormones and fears and worries and I just have to be honest, world. I have no clue what I'm going to do. I'm going to be a mother, that's decided. I have a month or less until that happens. I'm going to spend another few months figuring out how to do that, while Jason goes off to work and supports us. And I could never fully express how much I appreciate him, and how lucky I am to have a partner that allows me to focus on just figuring out motherhood for a bit.
But then what? It seems that everyone has an opinion on what I should be doing.What's fair to Jason, to Adelyn, to me. I've had millions of opinions thrown at me. And I can no longer hear my own.
I'm either letting the hormones get the best of me or I really am in the midst of my lowest point yet in this pregnancy. I've been so busy with preparing for Adelyn, and now that the last teeny sock has been washed and put away, I'm looking around and not recognizing anything.
4 comments:
I've always found that the precipice of a big change feels this way! once it happens, I'm sure you will figure out what's right for you and your family.
Too much time on your hands can be a problem pregnant or not. Women have babies and become mothers everyday. Some women who do this have no partners, no money, no showers, no family and luckily work so hard that they have no time to sit and worry about what anybody thinks. They worry about how they will feed and clothe their child. They worry about how they will provide health care and education. In the 5 minutes they have to spare they think about how they will explain where the child's father is and why he doesn't come around. They look through newspapers for second jobs to fund the endless supply of diapers and formula. They don't have time to seek out the best advice and worry about what THEY want out of life. Be happy! Thank God! Don't worry!
You will hear your own voice again. I promise. Even though baby Adelyn will take over for awhile, your essence and your destiny will always be there and you will have the privilege and the difficulty of endless choices ahead. To be a writer at some point you will have to make a choice to make that a priority, too. You are called to do many things and if you are lucky, you will do many things well and completely, including motherhood and career and writing. Enjoy the moment fully. It is very fleeting.
I agree with Joyce completely. You will hear your own voice and I know Jason will hear his own voice too. He is an excellent musician, craftsman and humanitarian and I hope that you will both nurture each other as well as Adelyn. How lucky you both are to have so many gifts and how lucky Adelyn is to have you both.
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