Flare-up.
>> Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Most days I can convince myself that I am fine. I've lived with whatever abnormalities I suffer for 13 years--probably more--and therefore can carry on an active, even too busy, lifestyle without batting an eyelash or complaining about a stomachache. I've even mastered the art of discreet bathroom visits. You'd never even know I went, and if you did, you surely wouldn't know that I'd just been 30 minutes before. I'm a master of disguise, and delusion, and lying to myself.
But then there are days like yesterday. And Monday. Sunday. And Saturday. When the second I stand up out of bed I have to run to the bathroom, gripping my stomach, and there's no time for grand delusions or putting on a fake smile.
My obstetrician thinks it could very well just be pressure. Little Adelyn Belle, the soon to be light of my life, pushes against every inch of my bowels each time I stand up, sending mommy-to-be on a stampede to the nearest toilet, usually to just sit there in pain, unable to go, letting reality sink in more and more each time. I have Crohn's Disease. And Ulcerative Colitis. I'm pregnant, and I'm in a flare-up.
For the first time this weekend, I found myself seriously considering the thought that I don't know if I can do this. How can I be a mother, if I can hardly get out of bed? What will Adelyn do while I'm at the doctor, or in the bathroom for the millionth time that day, or god forbid in the hospital, or if I suddenly lose all my confidence and find myself, like I did then, questioning my ability in the first place?
I was put on a new medication yesterday, so hopefully that will help. I've been prescribed iron supplements, because my anemia has come back with a vengeance, so hopefully that will curb the constant fatigue.
I know that when I leave my job in November and am able to--finally--sleep like a normal person, I might feel good as new without any other intervention. My doctors don't seem to want to do too much else unless I find myself in a critical situation, like with an obstruction. Then they'd take the risk of harming Adelyn with surgery, because then they wouldn't have any other choice.
I asked my doctor yesterday--for the first time--what I was going to do after she's born. I've spent so much time praying I can deliver a healthy baby I haven't given a lot of thought to what I'll do once that baby is there, depending on me, needing me to be healthy. And he didn't have a clear cut answer, as doctors never do. I only told him that if I have to get an ostomy, I want to do everything to wait until after my wedding. Because as trivial as it may be in the grand scheme of things, I don't want to wear an ostomy bag with my wedding dress, if it can all be helped. I just don't.
I've developed a huge complex throughout the years with seeming like the sick girl, to the point that I often find myself downplaying my situation to doctors, just because I don't want to complain. I've had a hard time writing this because all it is just one big complaint. But I needed to explain why I haven't written much lately. Because, at the moment, a lot of what comes out of my mouth sounds like whining. And I'd rather just be quiet.
But I woke up this morning feeling a little better, as in I stood up out of bed and walked into the kitchen instead of running to the bathroom. Baby steps.
6 comments:
you never sound like you are whining. you are always constructive about any problems you encounter. and we wouldn't all be reading if you weren't so compelling, both in describing the good and the bad that you face.
It's a wonderful thing about people who love you. They circle around to dance when you are happy, celebrate when you succeed, lift you when you are down, embrace you when you're frightened, listen when you need to whine and hold you when you feel weak. You have a huge circle of friends and family who love you. Say what you need to say, do what you need to do, we are all there with you and everything is going to be just fine.
Janu is right. You have a family that loves you and a circle of friends a mile wide. We've always been here for you and we always will. Whatever you need - we will do our best to provide for you - love, care, childcare, healthcare - and you have so much to look forward to. We all do.
-YaYa
My friend has Crohns. He waited years to get the ostomy bag. He was in and out of the hospital. It took him almost 8 years to finish his undergrad degree because he kept having to stop school because he was in and out of the hospital. He kept resisting the ostomy bag, and finally, finally gave in because he was just too sick. Now, he is amazing. He can eat whatever he wants (for a while there, he was just on an ensure diet), and he is a totally normal person again. He says he doesn't know why he resisted for so long because the bag isn't a big deal, and his quality of life is so dramatically improved. I think he was about 23 or 24 when he had it done.
as a mom, Ive witnessed it being done before. now i will have to admit that your situation seems to be a bit more dire than the other woman, but i use to have a friend, who also suffered/s with crohns, and she is a mother of 4. (FOUR!!) if there is such a thing as a "mild" form of the disease-i can tell you with confidence -she didn't have it mild! but i wanted to be able to tell you that it HAS and CAN be done! your going to be a SUPERmommy soon! SupperMom's can do anything!
You've never sounded whiny to me. You sound thoughtful and aware. I love reading your posts. I don't know much (barely anything) about Crohn's disease, but I do have a friend who is completely blind and she's a stay-at-home with two children. I can't comprehend how she does it, but she's intelligent and creative and has come up with ways to make it all work. You obviously have both those traits going for you in a strong way.
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