Quitting smoking while pregnant.

Yes, I have quit smoking, mom. And all you pregnancy know-it-alls out there. But because I know how hard it is to quit, and because I know firsthand the complete and total urgency of those urges, here's the list of things that helped me not only stop--which was easier than I thought it would be-- but to destroy those pesky ohmygodIneedacigarettenow thoughts. On top of that, the vast amount of quitting smoking while pregnant literature out there does little to help real smokers. Not a cig-with-a-drink smokers, but hardcore, cigarettes-are-a-huge-part-of-my-daily-routine kind of smokers. You can only read "Each time you feel the urge, start a project!" so many times before you think how nice it would be to do said project with a side of nicotine.

The urges are hard to ignore. But they're not impossible.

First, make smoking as difficult as you can. For me, the key ingredient in this is making it REALLY ANNOYING to buy cigarettes. I've read stories from people saying they actually kept a pack in their purse the whole time--because it was easier to say NO when they're staring you in the face than saying no to a non-existent object. I call bullshit. If they're in your purse, then you can give in easily. If you have cash floating around in there, it's easy to hand it to the cashier. The longer it would take you to give in, the less likely you'll do it. Take a different route to work. Flick off the gas station when you pass it, because that's easier (and more fun) than pulling in and giving in. Tell your partner (or your friends, family, whoever you see the most) how serious you are about quitting. Having to deal with their shame if you give in is just another hurtle to cross.

One of the key things I did was start telling people--people who really had no right knowing--that I'm pregnant. My coworkers not only know that I'm with child, but I told them that, hey, on top of that stress, I also just quit smoking. Now, each time I get fed up at work and consider taking a break to go buy cigarettes and choke one down, I kinda can't. I'd come in reeking of smoke, and no one wants to be Smoky McSmokerstein Pregnant Girl. I also, seriously, told the woman who is always working at my nearby gas station. It wasn't like telling a total stranger, because I used to talk to her daily back in my smoking days, but it still felt a little odd. She said congrats, looked a little confused at my "Hey, guess what, lady, I'm pregnant!" outburst, and now I'd have to drive completely out of my way for a nicotine-fix because I doubt she'd sell them to me. I'd feel too stupid to ask. And, yeah, I've thought about it. Tell EVERYONE that you spend a good amount of time with that you are pregnant and now a non-smoker. If they give two shits about you, then you know they won't be easy on you if you smell like smoke.

Put it off--mentally. In the beginning, when I still really wanted a cigarette on an hourly basis, I kept telling myself that it was just __ weeks away, that I could allow myself one post-baby. It sounds a little overboard, but if you're a smoker, you understand the power of that far-off promise. One day, these urges will be wane. Whether you do eventually give in or they go away on their own, you won't always want one all the time. And when the urge hits, it will hit with less and less intensity. I even, on a few occasions, made deals with myself, that if I still wanted one in two hours, I'd give in. And then three hours later, I'd remember that little promise, and the urge would be a little less immediate. I'd then give myself another three hours, and so forth.

Look at this picture. Look at this woman's crusty bangs, and just how trashy that looks. Do you want to be her? I'd venture to say no. Print it out. Keep it in your purse. Put it in a frame. Bookmark this page.

Embrace a little guilt. For the real smokers, looking at your ultrasound picture each time you feel the urge won't erase it. It'll probably just add a lot of guilt on top of those withdrawals. Maybe it's the soon-to-be Jewish mother in me, but a little guilt can work wonders. Breathe that guilt in deep and call the urge what it is: selfish. You (and I) want/need a cigarette. Not the baby. Keep that ultrasound picture handy (I tucked mine in my purse for a few weeks), and let the guilt fill you up when you look at it. The urge sucks. Knowing you're doing something potentially harmful to your baby sucks worse.

That being said, don't beat yourself up. I spend a lot of time on those borderline-evil pregnancy message boards, and each time a woman has the balls to make a "I'm trying so hard to quit post," dozens of people sign on to make her feel like a horrible human being. Statistics say you have until week 16 until the really bad side effects kick in, so make yourself a timetable if need be. Be easy on yourself. Quit for the baby, but also for you. Trust me when I say you really will be able to breathe easier, you'll have more money in your wallet, you'll have smoother skin later on in life, and you'll smell a hell of a lot better. (I can't believe so many of my non-smoking friends/family put up with me in my smoking days. Each time I pass someone who's puffed up in the past week I can smell the rotting tar on them.)

Lastly, set a date. I wrote about my two-day adventure as the East Nashville cigarette fairy. What really, really helped after that, and almost more than everything I've mentioned so far, was quitting when I had three days off of work. I told myself that when I woke up the next morning, I was waking up as a non-smoker. Period. I put my head on my pillow that night and let the new title, "Non-Smoker, Non-Smoker, Non-Smoker" wash over me. It truly can feel like an entirely new identity. And when you wake up the next morning, don't ignore the urges. Don't let them overtake you. Feel them. Embrace them. Understand what they're saying--you are no longer a smoker. By the time I got back to work two days later, the title had sunk in a little bit more. Now, I'm no longer just calling myself a non-smoker.

Even though I have quit, I still use all those things on a daily basis. But it's no longer hourly. Maybe, in a few months, it will be a once-a-week thing. The thing so evil about cigarettes is that--from what I hear--it never really goes away. Again, take that in. Don't expect miracles. Expect some suckiness. Wear the urges like a badge of honor, because quitting smoking is hard. Throw in some crazy hormones and it's akin to turning down a winning lottery ticket.

Take it a day at a time. It does, however, get easier every day.

I get so incredibly tired of reading non-smokers' judgments on the rest of the world. You. Do. Not. Understand. The end. You can do it. Even if you fail today, that doesn't mean you can't wake up a non-smoker tomorrow.